Thanks,To get your Free "14 Tips," please provide your name and email to join my mailing list and monthly blog. I’d love to hear what you have to say about what’s the best reaction to violent pursuing? Ive reached a point where my way of thinking is ill be in this relationship until i cant take it anymore and probably kill myself when its too much. Journal and attend CoDA meetings.Such a insightful piece, my fiancé an I have been on this roller coaster for over ten years. Tell me if the book Codependency For Dummies you wrote is also helpful (I like this series of books) or is it better to stick with Conquering Shame and Codependency?Hi, Thank you for your question Adrian,so that I don’t need to post the same one. *Men are not given awards and promotions for bravery in intimacy. I’ve always, subconciosly, known she was the one for me. Partners may reverse roles, but always maintain a certain space between them. I have sex to meet his needs. Aren’t I lovable (pretty, thin, successful, smart) enough?”These are all good questions to take up with your therapist who is more familiar with you and the dynamics. The Pursuer must risk saying “No,” and tolerate the anxiety of separation, saying, “I can’t help you – I need to be alone.” The Distancer must risk saying, “I miss you, I need you.” In the movie, “The Doctor,” William Hurt plays a busy, successful doctor, whose wife feels neglected and abandoned.

I am slowly but surely healing with a good therapist over the last few years and ‘working your book.’ I am the accomodator and she is emotionally and physically distant.

Do you believe that by working on yourself to become more secure that can help the distancer change as well? In reality, the Distancer judges the part of him or herself that is needy, dependent and vulnerable, and the Pursuer judges the part of him or herself that is selfish and independent, but each sees the part they don’t accept in themselves projected onto the other. Sometimes I am the pursuer, most of the the the distances. Our comprehensive list contains some of the best intimacy quotes from a … Intimacy first requires safety. He is a hard working man, I understand he is tired from working outside in the sun/cold weather. I don’t think I have experienced a real intimacy either. Do you try to create closeness by giving up your autonomy, hobbies, friends or interests, by never disagreeing, by being seductive, or by care-taking and pleasing others?When these behaviors are operating without awareness, you are not coming from a place of choice. Similar to the beauty of songs and books, quotes are also fantastic resources for reviving the intimacy in your relationship. are these interrelated? But being the distances I have rationalized her persuit as needy.Thank you. Copyright © 2020 HarperCollins Publishers All rights reserved. I’m the distancer here and I felt that she was constantly pressuring me to the point of engulfment, in a hurry to love, travel etc, not appreciating of the time I spend with her which I felt was a lot.

Do you get overly involved with people outside your partnership (e.g., children, friends, affairs), or activities (e.g., work, sports, gambling, shopping)? The Dance of Intimacy By Harriet Lerner ISBN: 9780060916466 About The Dance of Intimacy Relationships are supposed to be the source of women's greatest joy and satisfaction, but more frequently, they are the location of disappointment, pain, and just plain hard times.

I lost interest in people easily (in term of dating). I found it definitely relatable! Or do you avoid closeness or openness by joking around, showing off, giving advice or by talking about others or impersonal subjects? Also working on yourself will give you clarity. These activities dilute the intimacy in the relationship.On the other hand, ask: How do I create closeness?

What I give seems never enough.”The Pursuer says of the Distancer: “He (or She) is selfish, inconsiderate, inflexible, emotionally withdrawn, has to have things his way.” And wonders “Is there something wrong with me?